I’ve been blogging about my friend Aaron and how he is ridiculously amazing. I thought I could handle being friends with Aaron, but in less than 24 hours, I crumbled.
I kept thinking about how wonderful he was. I tried listing his bad qualities and I only ended up with two things on his bad qualities. I could not help myself. I did everything I could….surprisingly, he talked to me on AIM last night. He told me he had been going through a rough time since he broke up with his ex. He was confused yet knew what direction he needed to go. Then he started telling me what kinds of girls he was into and proceeded to talk to me about porn. He even wanted to show me a picture on facebook of a girl he found attractive. I could not handle it anymore. I told him I had to sign off.
::sigh:: thats where I knew that I stood as his friend and forever his friend. I cringed at the thought of being stuck in the friend zone. I cringed at the thought of him with another girl. I eventually cried because I hated that my friends told me “he might like you.” I hate it when my hopeless romantic side takes over my realistic side.
No matter how much I thought about holding his hand or sharing an evening with him, my mind kept telling me ” its not going to work. EVER”
Cowardly enough, I asked my friend Jacob to tell Aaron that I needed space. I do not think I conveyed the message correctly to my friend, but this is how it went:
Jacob (12:30:11 AM):ok theres no subtle way to say this
Aaron (12:30:26 AM):O__O
Jacob (12:30:32 AM):and tis about phoenix
Aaron (12:30:37 AM):=X
Aaron (12:30:49 AM):i freaked her out didn’t i
Jacob (12:31:05 AM):i dont know about that
Aaron (12:31:08 AM):eh?
Jacob (12:31:13 AM):it just the way she descibed it
Aaron (12:31:22 AM):i wanted to show her the pic i showed u
Jacob (12:31:37 AM):is that she’s well in need from space from you
Aaron (12:31:43 AM):O_O
Aaron (12:31:44 AM):eh?
Jacob (12:31:47 AM):but she’s to proud or ashamed to say anything to you
Aaron (12:31:54 AM):ouuuu =X
Aaron (12:32:24 AM):i thought she got upset about the porno talk i had with her =X
Aaron (12:32:25 AM):okey
Aaron (12:32:28 AM):space it is
I eventually talked about it with my family. They told me that I needed to do what was best for me. That having Aaron confiding in me as a friend was not helping me. Instead, it was weakening me and giving me unrealistic hope. I don’t want that.I felt bad closing the door on Aaron. He truly is a good guy. I’m not ready to be his friend.
The sad part of all of this: I think I’m turning into a bitter person because of my experiences with men. It makes me feel sad. It makes me think that there is no such thing as a great guy, the one, or even a soul mate. It makes me think that you can’t wait for a guy to make a move. It makes me think that sometimes you do have to settle, even though you do not like what you have. or Maybe its because I’m tired of having my heartbroken.
I feel my heart closing. My friends told me to keep an open mind and to know that life is full of taking risks. IN reality, I’m so tired of taking risks. I’m tired of putting my heart and feelings on the line. It makes me not want ot try. So what do I do now?